My first kiss

Life is full of “firsts” and whilst there are still many firsts to be had, I am taken back to a pivotal moment of my teenage years. My first kiss. 7 years on and the lesson I learnt that day as an excited young lass, still stands true today.

Details please…

Growing up I was always a tomboy. In my junior years of high school I had a chipped tooth, mini afro and was constantly mistaken for being a boy. Don’t believe me, ask my family. The only thing I had going for me at the time was being book smart. In my group of friends I was one of the last to pucker up and I have no regrets in that sense. I was 15 years old.

For privacy’s sake I will refer to my guy at the time as Ben. You see Ben wasn’t just anyone, we had grown up together. Our families knew each other really well and before your mind slips there no he isn’t my cousin. I can’t pin point the moment I started to have feelings for Ben but I did. As any enthusiastic person would I tried my hardest to get his attention. This included giving him love notes, incorporating his initials into my Bebo name, aiming to be in the same places at the same time and starting all the dry conversations on MSN (I’ll stop now, it’s getting embarrassing) but despite my efforts over the 2 year period, the kid didn’t like me like that. This knowledge left me so heartbroken that I felt it was essential to make a journal with poems and song lyrics written in glitter pen on each page. I’m a freak, I see it now.

Expectation…

As you could imagine liking the same guy for all this time my feelings jar was overflowing. I had pictured what my first kiss would be and it looked a little like this but on the beach.

I even went as far as knowing what song I would walk down the aisle to being Destiny’s Child – Brown Eyes. Each line in this song was so relevant to my love situation.

Reality…

You’re probably wondering if it happened? It did. I finally got to kiss Ben. I wish I could say it was everything I wanted – night sky, on the beach, fireworks in the background and a popping foot as I leaned in however it wasn’t anything like that.

One night we were sitting in a back room of a friend’s house in Bankstown and I don’t know how the conversation began but we both knew it was the right time. Ben knew I hadn’t kissed a boy yet and not being his first kiss didn’t really bother me. All I knew is I wanted it to happen then and there.

Ben quickly peered over his shoulders to ensure the coast was clear and planted his lips onto mine. Before my eyes shut, the peck was over. I looked at him and said “Is that all?” he leaned over once more and gave me another kiss.

I have to admit my first kiss was the most anti-climatic moment faced throughout my teens but I can laugh about it now. I think.

Lesson in it…

Well there are a few.

1. Planning your future can only serve as a guideline.

No matter how much time and emphasis you put into your future, I can 100% guarantee you it will never pan out exactly like that. Rather than being disheartened when plans don’t work out your way consciously choose to see the beauty in these experiences. The beauty with Ben is we both can be civil when we see each other and there is no awkwardness. We often joke about how crazy I was for him but those days are long gone now.

To add a spiritual edge, Isaiah 55:8 reads “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. In life we can drive ourselves to the point of insanity by trying to control the uncontrollable. It is so freeing when you accept the one who created both you and I, knows our tomorrow and always has our best interests at heart. His will, will always prevail so even in the midst of uncertainty stand on His promise that your future is safe. Such gripping assurance.

2. Don’t regret your past, embrace it.

I wouldn’t be enjoying life as much as I am now if I wallowed in my disappointment and shame. Over this past year I have come to terms with the biggest devils in the past and it wasn’t easy. Regret keeps you stuck and rids you of your joy. We are all human bound to make mistakes on the daily but you must be kind to yourself over and over and over again.

Making peace with myself has been a raw journey but I tend to look in the mirror and remind my heart and mind that my past doesn’t define who I am today. Don’t allow the enemies in your mind to have that type of leverage on you. It’s a lie.

3. No bad days just character building days.

I heard this quote a few years ago and its imprinted in my mind. I could have easily turned around and grown to be a bitter cow towards Ben for not making my first kiss what I always wanted it to be but even as my character is being built now, it was being built back then. Now I force myself (not always successful but definitely a work in progress) to see what I can take away from the less ideal moments in life. This post is a classic example of seeing the good in a rather odd encounter.

So to Ben…

Even though I won’t walk down the aisle to to you as my 15 year old self dreamed about countless times, I am glad you were and are apart of my life. Hope that never changes.

Blessings and love,

I would love to hear about your first kiss encounters. Awkward, not yet experienced, romantic – I welcome all stories. Please click on Contact to leave me a line.